Saturday, 22 May 2010

God in Hiding

My name is Nige. I am God in hiding .

I prefer to sit alone on trains and buses because I have a need for personal space. My ego tells me that it’s all about personal space, but I am starting to think it might be more to do with personal hell. Plenty of room for me and my recycled rattan granny bag with all its assorted paraphernalia. Things to keep me busy during the journey so that I don’t have to face myself. The entire seat ends up looking like a jumble sale, and includes A battered copy of  Reappearance of the looniverse, 200 blank sheets of paper (just in case I have a sudden burst of creativity,) 10 pens (just in case one runs out.) A days supply of healthy food in air tight tubs, a 2 litre bottle of water (to help prevent dehydration,) hand crème (to help prevent dryness, )Vaseline (for chapped lips,) a phone (just in case of emergencies,) and last but not least an MP3 player with headphones, (so that I don’t have to listen to people talking shite) These things supposedly give me a sense of safety and belonging. I have since discovered that if I play music whilst eating, reading and texting at the same time I can keep all the senses busy, and don’t have to worry about having to face any inner demons.(at least until the train comes to a halt at the station.)

The girl adjacent has her feet up on the seat and I can see dog muck on the soles of her trainers.
She is cramming fast food in her mouth from a big brown paper bag. It doesn’t’t seem to matter what type of fast food the person is eating, it always smells like sweaty socks.
We haven’t even made eye contact, and I hate her.
Im busting for the bathroom and decide to seek refuge in the toilet but the door is firmly locked .

The train eventually creeps into Victoria station , and I find myself swept along in a mad rush as people dash towards the ticket barrier. I am feeling irritable and frustrated. I hate everybody and everything. The monsters in my head are so painful, that I am running scared, trying to hide in the hope that nobody sees me.

In the next breath everybody is pushing and shoving trying to board the 38 bus at the same time, without letting the other people get off first.Pregnant women and the elderly are brushed aside in favour of self preservation. I pick up a freebie newspaper from a nearby seat and head to the back of the bus. Freebie newspapers are the latest weapon in the war against connection.

 Mr ego has convinced me that a brief glimpse of some celebrity babe flashing her knickers whilst falling into a taxi under the influence of huge amounts of alcohol is going to somehow help shape me into a grounded, well informed, rounded individual. On a bad day I can read the freebie paper from front to back in the time it takes the 38 bus to get from Victoria to Piccadilly. I don’t have to speak to a soul and my separate identity bubble remains firmly intact.

As I walked through Piccadilly imitating Edvard Munch the scream, a light bulb came on in my twisted mind that made me stop dead in my tracks. I took a moment to breathe and centred myself and asked spirit for help. I remembered reading an ad in the freebie newspaper that said..

’ Don’t buy a new sofa, we’ll transform your old one at a fraction of the cost.

I then imagined that same ad to be written by Love

‘Don’t buy a new mind. Love will transform your old one at a fraction of the cost’ .

Recently at the Take me to Truth workshop I heard Tomas say that it’s a great mistake to take offence as it is to give it. So here I am taking offence at everything, avoiding everybody, feeling alone, unsupported and invalidated, and thinking the world did it to me. This is a crucial part of the undoing.
Time after time I have turned my back on the people I love, in favour of the glitz and glamour of the ego , thinking that it will give me anything I want.. Its like wading through porridge ,wearing a ball and chain and a double blindfold. Ouch!

In my experience, living without fear takes courage and willingness - its like learning to walk all over again. Our minds have become stained with dark blotches from the past, directing us to attack in the present so that the future can be more like the past.

When we find the inner strength to lay down our distorted perception of the world and make friends with our wounds, the ego ceases to have power over us. Anger and rage eventually fall by the wayside, to reveal feelings of guilt and shame and if we hang in there long enough Spirit will happily transform our thoughts and we will experience inner peace.

‘Healing cannot be accomplished in the past. It must be accomplished in the present to release the future’.

Suddenly ,the world wasn’t so intimidating anymore, because I had chosen to stop attacking it. I was experiencing the clarity and stillness that resulted from forgiveness.

A new world is being built from the inside out. Love radiates through us gently touching the hearts of everyone we meet. When you find the courage to see yourself and another in the same light, the dark edges soften and fade away to reveal the oneness that connects us all .

A friend recently wrote a beautiful poem, and I would like to share it with you ..

I seek for reassurance outward; everywhere I find
The silent screams and dreams and fears my unforgiving mind,
Until I breathe with Holy breath the Spirit’s Voice I’ll heed
Remembering that in me I have everything I need.
Correcting my perceptions I remember I am safe
With passion heart and courage too these healing steps I take.
I step into the fire of my ego’s deepest sin,
And look into the face of Christ
And know that I am Him.

'Teach only love, and learn that love is yours and you are love'

1 comment:

Brooke said...

OMG. I am sitting here completely floored. It is like I've found my soulmate-- a writer I've always wanted to read, but didn't even know it. OMG. I'm speechless, which is saying a lot. You are such a gift. Please keep doing what your doing. Thank you for helping me to know I have found home--for being the proof of its existence. Plus you are so damn entertaining!xo