God - Spelled Backwards

Problog

 ( This is the bit at the end of the story, but I have decided to write it first for dramatic effect.)

When news filtered through the doggy community that the big black dog had gone away, I was beside myself with grief. I hid amongst the gravestones, crying and wrote a poem. This is the poem I wrote ...

Old Friends

Faintest whispers

fleeting mallards

engulf

the morning air

Strange mists

of time

settle

on a skyline

of tolling churchbells

I see a dog

leaping frantically

in the nursery

of lifes embrace

a mischevous pup

in a field of dreams

I made a headstone - a rubber duck, mounted on a wooden stick with a plaque that read 'Boss was Ere' and erected it in Whalley New Road Cemetery, (near 'The Blackburn Giant') and surrounded it with a love heart made from dog biscuits.

(The above picture is the cover of an ep called the beginning by a band I have never even heard of. I am using it to let you know that this is the beginning of my blog) 

This story is about an angel who came to earth disguised as a big black dog.

In March 1975 I lost a testicle after a classroom scuffle with another boy.  I awoke the following morning in a hospital bed believing I had been abducted by aliens. Little Grandma always told me that I referred to myself as 'the odd man out'.

I returned to school in late June and on that very same morning, the Headmaster, Mr.Gillam told the entire school what had become of me. I felt powerless, and knew that life would never be the same again.

In 1981 I attended big school for the first time. This would be my big chance to leave behind the trauma I had suffered in losing a testicle. Unfortunately, this was short-lived. Within days, some of the other kids had started to call me “One Ball”.  I was devastated.

 Being on the recieving end of a nasty bully can be horrid. ( Bullies have difficulty seeing the love in other people. They are like an eclipse of the sun which blocks its light ) 

I lived in fear of bullies. I was humiliated, ridiculed, kicked in the testicle, punched in the face, pinned to the floor and forced to eat handfuls of grass like a cow.  I started to experience severe panic attacks.

Mum and Dad took me to see Dr Muckerji  who was a very nice indian man who wore thick rimmed jam jar spectacles,and spoke in an accent I couldn't understand. He prescribed Valium (which is a drug that makes people forget things) and I became a zombie. ( A Zombie is a dead body that has been brought back to life by a supernatural force)

I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't express the hurt to anyone.

I  wanted a friend, a dog to protect me from the bullies -  a cockagreenspaniel all of my own. Unfortunately, furry things made Dad's chest go all wheezy, and then he would transform into Sneezy (Sneezy is one of  the seven dwarfs in the 1937 American animated film called Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs -See right for a picture of Sneezy) Did you know that a sneeze travels at 100mph? The reason why sneezes are so powerful is because it is a reflex response that involves the muscles of the face, throat, and chest.

I  once read that sneezing cockateels may have an illness called parrot fever, which is serious and can spread to humans and give them lung damage. So, a cockagreenspaniel would have been completely out of the question  (because it is a green mutated cockateel called Buddy crossed with a Spaniel.) It just wasn't worth risking Dads health.

I tried to convince my folks to buy a small, non shedding variety of dog like a poodle or a wirey haired dog like a cairn terrier. Dad said that ALL dogs shed - even poodles. (The reason you don't see poodle hair everywhere like other breeds is because it stays in the coat.)Which means they need lots of grooming to prevent matting.

In a nutshell ...

Then, one cold winter afternoon I opened the front door and saw a black dog making a trail of paw prints in the snow. The black dog stopped and stared at me, looked inside my head, and for a brief moment we connected.  In the time it takes to say WOW, their was a knock at the door, and a lady from over the road  had invited me to walk the dog. It didn't matter that the dog was black instead of green. It had four legs, and a tail that wagged when it was happy, and that was good enough for me. I had found my friend. This is a picture of the big black dog in the snow...

Boss (Boots Spog Og Dig Dogger Scooby Doo) was a black labrador retriever. He was broad, and muscular - ex gundog. (Gun dogs are used to assist hunters in finding and retrieving waterfowl) Unfortunately, Boss was dismissed from his retrieving duties after he failed to return the bird to the handler. In other words Boss was sacked for eating the ducks. He was thrown out of the inner circle of ducky retrievers and made into a doggy outcast instead. That's how he ended up living on my street. Thats how I ended up becoming best friends with the black dog in the snow.

Boss was a free spirit who did things his way - WITHOUT EXCEPTION! He was friendly and playful; loved chasing his rubber ball, and for a short time owned a boomerang.(which never came back, and ended up on a neighbours roof).

Boss also had a passion for water. One hot summers afternoon he leapt into Queens Park boating lake and did the doggy paddle for 4 hours. During this time he stole an oar from two people in a rowing boat, almost got me beaten up by the park keeper, and ruined my new flat top haircut (see right) for which I had saved up all my paper round money. Bosses obsession for water didn't stop with boating lakes; he swam in everything from sea to raging rivers, puddles to sewers!

Boss lived in the corner house on the opposite side of the road. His owner Fred, was a retired butcher who had stacks of cash but refused to spend it. Fred would spend most nights in the Thwaites Arms getting Brahms and List.(This is cockney rhyming slang for pissed or drunk) The pub was 5 minutes walk from the house, but Fred insisted on taking the car. One Christmas, during a drink driving campaign in the local area Fred was stopped by the police because he was driving wonkily. He was banned from driving for 2 years.

Fred wore a toupee (which is a wig that men wear to stop them feeling insecure about going bald.) During the great storm of of 87 the wind grabbed hold of Fred’s toupee whilst he was still wearing it, and blew it down the street. Being an  ex retriever Boss gave chase in search of the missing toupee, returning moments later with the wind battered wig in his mouth. - wigfowl! I was hiding behind the neck curtains, watching and laughing uncontrollably.

Fred was married to Mary. She was as tough as old boots. Boss was terrified of Mary. She only had to bang on the window and give him 'that look' and he would freeze on the spot, before dashing back into the house.

Each day after school, I raced home to walk the mutt, who would be waiting patiently, peering through the bay window. Boss would  make a dash for the back door via the kitchen. Unfortunately, his doggy co-ordination skills were a bit haphazarad  and he finished up skidding across the kitchen floor head first into the oven!

I walked Boss  in Whalley New Road Cemetry. The cemetery was a world within a world; vast and ancient with lots of space for dead people - like 'The Blackburn Giant'.

Frederick John Kempster was according to Pops 'a very tall man'  He was so tall that he was given the name 'The Blackburn Giant'. Fred was buried in the same cemetry that I walked Boss. His grave was long. (They had to make it long to fit him in it.) I think Frederick John Kempster was probably a very nice man -  like the Big friendly Giant in Roald Dahls book 'The BFG.' Historians have proof, that he was at least 7'11'', but  the undertaker's daughter said  that her father had always insisted that the corpse measured just over 8'4''. I think if he had been alive today Fred would probably have been a highly paid male catwalk model because they are very tall as well.  

The cemetery attracted keen dog walkers from all over town. Older people like Jack Brown who owned a German shepherd dog called Rocky. Jack told me long winded jokes and made me laugh until my sides ached. He could talk a glass eye to sleep. Jack had a painful condition called kidney stones (which meant that he had to hold his wifes hand when he had a wee)

Boss was also pals with Kim - a small white Jack Russel with a green face. ( See above for a nice posed picture of Boss and Kim) Sadly, Kim collided with a kid on a Raleigh Grifter and was killed instantly. Kims owner Pete was heartbroken. Boss tried to hide his upset by digging holes - he was a compulsive digger ( I tried to get him into doggy rehab to help him address the issue and attempt to teach him new methods of interacting in a dig-free environment. but he wouldn't budge, and as the saying goes you can lead a dog to water but you can't make it drink).

Boss also had a nephew called Sam (which was short for Stanley Kurbrick - the picture on the left  Stan- the pup). The Kurbrick lodged at a house on Cranshaw Drive with my sister Julie and her husband Chris. Chris was like a big brother to me. We frequently walked the dogs together, drank brown ale and chatted freely about life.  Julie and Chris eventually got divorced because they kept arguing about trivial things like washing powder brands. My sister re- married and got divorced again (because she still insisted on arguing about trivial things like washing powder brands) but some things never change and that is why Chris still remains to this day- my big brother.

Everybody loved Boss, even Mum, who hated dogs, because she was bitten as a child by a mongrel (Mongrels are made up from 'bits o this' and 'bits o that'. The Slang term for dogs of uncertain ancestry is Heinz and is often used , in a playful reference to the "57 Varieties" slogan of the H. J. Heinz Company.)

One afternoon we visited Blackburn library to research a school project on a volcano called Mount vesuvius ( Mount Vesuvius is best known for its eruption in AD 79 that led to the destruction of the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneu) During the walk home I decided to walk Boss on a field on the opposite side side of the road. As I approached the zebra crossing  a man stopped and gestured for us to cross the road, but as we both stepped out, he pressed his foot to the accelerator and sped into us narrowly missing  me but slamming into the side of Boss' head. (This is called a hit and run incident because the driver had collided with a black dog and failed to stop and identify himself ) I often wondered if the driver of the car was a psychopathic dog hating cat lover who wore a T-shirt that looked  like this ...

I sat in a heap by the side of the road believing Boss was dead - but I knew he wasn't dead because his tail was wagging.  

One day, during a walk in the cemetry Boss was savaged by a pitbull terrier ( Pit-bully dogs are like human bullies because they bite and refuse to let go ) I tried to save Boss, but the dogs owner beat me senseless.  Boss was left battered and bleeding on the grass.  I could barely see for the swelling in my eyes, but I gathered Boss up in my arms and carried him home.

 'True friendship reveals itself in time - not only in the sense of time spent together getting to know one another, but also in the sense that it is through the ravages as well as the easier times in life that we come to see 'who our friends are' Marianne Williamson

Whalley New Road cemetery became a scary place after the demented dog incident. Things started to fall apart. Boss' owner Fred refused to pay for a vet , so I took matters into my own hands and took him myself. When the truth finally surfaced I had an explosive argument with Fred and Mary, and they refused to let me see the dog . I was heart broken.

Everyday Boss would sit at the window and wait patiently for me to come. He watched the seasons come and go and the years roll by and he waited and he waited ...

Boss' great escape occured on Boxing day - Christmas 1989 ( I often wonder if  Boss had dug a tunnel like Andy in the film Shawshank Redemption and made his escape) I remember it well; I heard the gate rattling outside the house, and decided to investigate, and when I opened the front door it was Boss. He greeted me with a bark. I ran to the gate and pulled him close. His fur was dry and and matted and he smelt of cigar smoke. ( This was probably Fred's cigar smoke because Boss was a non smoker)

We walked, side by side in silence,  lit only by the sodium glow of the street lamps above.There was nothing left to say. Boss happily trotted alongside me wagging his tail like a metronome (A metronome is a device that produces regular beats)  and for a brief moment boy and dog became one. Once the long walk home was over I returned Boss to the garage at the side of the house, gave him a hug and quietly closed the door behind me. I never saw the big black dog again.

Epiblog

(This is the bit that I used for dramatic effect at the start of my story.)

When news filtered through the doggy community that the big black dog had gone away, I was beside myself with grief. I hid amongst the gravestones, crying and wrote a poem. This is the poem I wrote ...

Old Friends

Faintest whispers

fleeting mallards

engulf

the morning air

Strange mists

of time

settle

on a skyline

of tolling churchbells

I see a dog

leaping frantically

in the nursery

of lifes embrace

a mischevous pup

in a field of dreams

I made a headstone - a rubber duck, mounted on a wooden stick with a plaque  that read 'Boss was Ere' and erected it in Whalley New Road Cemetery, (near 'The Blackburn Giant') and surrounded it with a love heart made from dog biscuits.

Boss knew only Love - sharing, giving, extending. (he didn't care if people loved him - he just loved them anyway) Love is the recognition of the lines of joining - the oneness - which exists between us all and ALL THAT IS - human, animal or otherwise. Boss was a true friend, who came into my life during a hard to understand time, when I had lost hope and felt completely unlovable. He helped me to understand the importance of trust, tolerance, gentleness, defenselessness, generosity, patience, faithfulness, open- mindedness, acceptance and Love. (This helped me to forgive the bullies - because they needed love too.) Boss showed me a brave new world filled with endless possiblities - and for the briefest moment we lost sight of separate interests. Looking back; that 'chance meeting' with the big black dog in the snow just might have been enough to save my life. 

God - Spelled Backwards

When God had made the earth and sky

The flowers and the trees

He then made all the animals

The fish, the birds and bees

And when at last he'd finished

Not one was quite the same

He said I'll walk this world of mine

And give each one a name

And so he travelled far and wide

And everywhere he went

A little creature followed him

Until it's strength was spent

When all were named upon the earth

And in the sky and sea

The little creature said ' Dear Lord

Theres not one left for me

Kindly the Father said to him

' Ive left you to the end

I've turned my own name back to front

And called you DOG my friend'.

Author unknown